Leaving Addictive Relationships

Leaving or needing to leave a relationship is a frequent reason for people to seek psychotherapy or counselling. For some people the process of ending a relationship, though painful, is relatively straightforward, and certainly does not require therapy. However for others, the process is agonising, protracted, and can even be disabling in terms of a person's ability to work, care for themselves, or maintain other important relationships. 

Recent research suggests that addictive processes may be involved, for those who struggle severely with ending relationships. Particularly early on, relationships can trigger the dopamine system in our brain - that's the pleasure center that makes us feel really good. Drugs like cocaine similarly stimulate the dopamine center of our brains. The researchers of this study have wondered if the task of leaving a relationship or "falling out of love", for some, might be the equivalent of an addict giving up cocaine.

While I don't know enough about neuroscience to critique the research, certainly subjective addiction related feelings of craving, difficulty with self soothing, and obsessive focus on the substance (or person) of addiction rings true. If leaving an addictive relationship is like giving up a drug habit, then perhaps the following common features of counselling or therapy for addictions might be helpful for some:

Motivational interviewing: The therapist does not take sides about the need to leave or stay in the relationship (in contrast to friends and family who probably have strongly expressed opinions), but helps the client to come to their own decision based on weighing up the alternatives in a personal way.

Relapse prevention: Going back to an addictive relationship is common. Having a relapse prevention plan may help by identifying triggers, such as loneliness or comparisons with others who are in relationships, and making practical plans for coping with these feelings.

A supportive therapeutic relationship: Just as addiction is often isolating, and accompanied by immense shame, sometimes people feel ashamed of their difficulty leaving a relationship, and may have become isolated from supportive friends. A warm and non-judgmental therapeutic relationship can form a regular stable base in a person's life, from which they can make the courageous changes they wish to make.