Whilst the Lucid practice is still very much in a start phase (see last blog post), I've become excited about continuing the theme of the last post by addressing continuing, or the mid phase of any relationship or project. This involves maintaining momentum (on a project), or maintaining intimacy or energy (in a relationship), as well as hopefully increasing these factors. So, here we are in the middle, where the initial novelty or excitement has gone. The honeymoon in a relationship is definitely over, as our projections drop away and we discover what we don't like about a partner, and what they don't like about us. We've discovered that however exciting that initial project idea was, that it mostly is coming down to following up many little individually boring or even distasteful steps. It's easy and very human to want to leave for someone or something more exciting - to re-enter the intoxicating beginning phase. This may be the case particularly if we've never seen what is possible in traversing this territory well. This leaving impulse may be compounded by an unconscious fear of merger - losing one's sense of self and independence by truly committing. So what is good about this phase, when it's going well? In one word: flow. Strangely close to the experience of the mundane, the boring, or the routine, is the experience of flow. Studied by psychologist Csikszentmihalyi, flow is when some or all sense of self drops away in complete immersion in an activity. It is not passive (like watching television), but not self conscious or intentional either (as the beginning phase tends to be.) The activity (or partner in a relationship) is like a dance partner, which we respond to intuitively and highly effectively. Flow is inherently rewarding and rejuvenating. If we cannot access it to some degree, some of the time, we are likely to leave the project or relationship, or wish we could. Why is flow so accessible in this phase? Because the mentally stimulating initial excitement or drama of the beginning has dropped away. Flow needs some degree of focus and mental quiet. Some ways of attaining this are by shifting perspective, as done in therapy, and/or via mindfulness practice (the topic of future posts.) Thanks for reading. Please post a comment about your experience of the middle/maintainance phase, or flow. Subscribe to RSS feed, or check in a few days for the final in this mini series: endings.
4 Comments
Guy McMillan
21/9/2014 01:26:11 pm
I like your two articles so far on stages of projects/relationships. Does any of this relate to Motivational Interviewing stages of change for addictions?
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22/9/2014 02:50:00 pm
Thanks for your question, Guy. I originally wrote the post to include motivational interviewing, but it became too long, so I edited it out. I've worked with people who are in maintenance/mid phase of having changed their addiction, but their life has the quality of a shallow relationship or routine project. The substances are not being used, but the underlying issues have not been addressed, therefore life lacks vitality. In this case I believe that for many people some sort of spiritual transformation needs to occur. Please respond with as much disclosure as you feel comfortable with.
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Susan apathy
21/9/2014 02:00:18 pm
I'm intrigued by the idea that flow can be close to boredom! I've not thought about that possibility. Maybe there are different levels of flow.
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22/9/2014 02:44:31 pm
To answer from the perspective of mindfulness practice, the famous Tibetan master Chogyam Trungpa would say that boredom is a sign that mindfulness practice is going well. The mind is beginning to loosen it's grasp/become disenchanted with its toys. Once the mind let's go of it's grasp on thinking, then comes flow.
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AuthorsMichael Apathy and Selina Clare are practitioners of psychotherapy at Lucid who are excited about fresh, innovative, and effective therapy for individual and environmental change. Categories
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